During the holiday season, a particular ghost haunts me relentlessly to remind me of exactly how stupid I can be. Those that know of this dirty deed like to bring it up at this time of year as if it gets better with age. It does not. This gem is arguably the stupidest thing I have ever done, but if it doesn’t wear the crown, I’d say it’s definitely in the top three.
Twas the night before Christmas and I was as drunk as a homeless person outside of Penn Station. (That’s the line right?) It was several years ago and I was something like 18 or 19 years old. It was a time in my life were I was mostly alone, being estranged from my family and single and drinking enough alcohol to kill at least one horse on a regular basis. Oh great, I’ve just come to realize that I have reverted back to my teenaged self. Great news! Anyway. I’ve always been lucky in the way that I do have amazing friends. When one of them invited me to their family Christmas Eve party, I was ecstatic. I loved being included in such things. All night long we drank, laughed and talked with family. We drank, exchanged gifts and drank. We drank and drank and drank. When the party was over, we returned to my friends house and since we had been having such a great time, we decided to celebrate with drinks.
All of a sudden, the party was interrupted with the beep beep beep of my Samsung flip phone! It was a certain pervert that I was romantically interested in at the time. He was 25 and only interested in romantically taking advantage of a teenaged girl. I felt the like the bell of the ball. He was hammered drunk and calling with urgency because he wanted to bone. Using all of my ability to reason, I said “ok, I’ll be right there.” I practically kicked the door open and ran to my car without saying goodbye or thank you to anyone. I believe the universe created the next obstacle to prevent my stupidity, but the foot of snow that had fallen was not going to stop me! I was on my way to have my void for love, literally and figuratively filled by a sweaty, drunk, creepy man/boy! I insufficiently scraped some snow off the windshield of my 98′ Jetta, appropriately named Mrs. Trunchbulll. It had been snowing for hours and to my disappointment, no matter how much snow I cleared, thick, solid ice and frost lay underneath. This is where it gets really stupid. I only lived 3 miles from my friends house at the very most. I got in the drivers seat and turned the keys in the ignition. You may suspect that the next thing I did was buckle my seat belt, but no. Instead, I reached for the old Samsung and called my life long best friend, Nell. She was my ride or die chick I knew she would have my back as I stepped on the gas and took off into the night with zero percent visibility. I was surprised to hear her sleepy voice. I hadn’t realized it was 2am and being that it was Christmas Eve, most people were sleeping. I was excited to tell her about the rub and tug that was in my immediate future. She was furious. “Ashley! You’re an idiot. You can not be fucking driving right now?!?!” I tried to back peddle, but as I slurred “everything will be fine” the old Samsung died on me! Fucking bitch. I shrugged it off and still with zero percent visibility I literally took a shot in the dark and decided this is where I would make the right turn to take me to my house.
Mrs. Trunchbull roared and bounced up and down over the unfamiliar terrain. I thought maybe I was on someone’s front lawn. For whatever reason, I kept my foot on the gas and my hands on the wheel, as if it was Mario Go Kart and I would magically drive off into the sunset and collect magic coins for a job well done! When the vehicle couldn’t go any further, reluctantly I got out to figure out what the hell was going on. I stepped out and sank into soft, wet, freezing mud. My tires were so deep in the same mud they were not visible to naked eye. I was confused as I looked around, I saw no street lights, no houses, no nothing. I had driven the Jetta so far out into the field, I had to run to find the road.
Motherfucker! How was I going to have irresponsible sex with that weird guy?! I knew I had to play it cool. I abandoned my vehicle. I ran on foot, as if it were the olympic trials, back to my friends house. The same door I kicked to get out, I kicked again, but this time to get in. Upon seeing me he yelled, “you crashed!” I said, “no I didn’t, but something’s wrong with my car could you give me a ride home please?” He persisted. He knew something terrible had happened. He put me in his pick up truck and drove me to the scene of the crime. He was in complete shock at the severity of the situation. He asked a lot of questions. “How the fuck did you do that?! How stupid are you? You want to just leave it here and go to jail?!” I had no good answers. He called friends for back up. They brought trucks, chains, shovels, etc. It was a rescue mission. We laid flat on our stomachs using our hands to free the tires from the endless mud. The sun started coming up. With the new day light, in the distance we could see families putting gifts under their Christmas trees. My friends reminded me that if we didn’t get the car free soon, I was going to jail. We were working quickly and making progress when the creepy pervert enroute to hump me stopped on the side of the road in his BMW. He was my hero. He said, “you crashed!” I kept my story straight and replied “no, I didn’t!”
By the grace of God, we freed Mrs. Trunchbull and I was able to drive her home before I was sentenced to life in jail for stupidity. The pervert came home with me. After all the commotion I had lost my desire to be poked and prodded by him. He was surprised and irritated by my resistance and must have snuck out as soon as I fell asleep.
I awoke that Christmas day by myself, around noon. Shit! I had forgotten that I had been on the phone with Nell before “my car stopped working.” I found the Samsung and threw it on the charger. When it came to life I was bombarded with messages of what a total ass hole I was. It was all true. The universe was mad at me. Nell had been out, with her mother of all people, searching for me because she was so worried when our phone call got cut off. She wanted to kill me. I deserved it. In retaliation for not “putting out” the pervert told all my friends that I had saggy tits. Which, by the way is very, very untrue!
I decided to lay low for a few days and reflect on my life. It wasn’t pretty. Although, I guess you could say that the fact that I’m not dead or in jail, is a kind of Christmas miracle.
If ever you’re feeling down and thinking you’re not having a good holiday, remember this story and know that it could always be worse.
Happy holidays everyone.