Since the warm streak has hit New Jersey and other parts of the country, I’ve seen a lot of “thank god for global warming!” Facebook statues, tweets and even heard people saying it while I eaves drop on their conversations. This sentiment, in and of itself is ridiculous, obviously. Polar bears are dying and Sara Palin’s house is running the risk of water damage. We know the issues, I won’t hound on them. All this talking about it has got me thinking about my own personal issues with global warming.
Though we got some chilly days and even a few snow dustings, we never got a real winter. The temperature never dropped low enough, for long enough for the grass or trees to die. What’s worse is that it never got cold enough for all the creepy crawly insects to die. They have been laying low, drinking protein shakes and doing push-ups, like Ronnie from The Jersey Shore when they’re not filming, this whole winter. The bugs that come out of the ground this year are going to be the size of chiwawas. Actually, when you consider that they have just moved up on the food chain, they will probably have to eat chiwawas to maintain their appetite. Rest in peace, Chiwawas. People will be carrying around gallon jugs of epi-pen fluid. Their arms will be sore.
Despite the fact that the winter remained mild, I did manage to get very ill for a month or two. I don’t know why. I’m just a freak. I mean, I was like a corpse on a stick. It was like a flu/strep throat/aids combo. I just wanted to incubate inside of a sleeping bag 18 hours a day. My desire to shower dropped for low to dangerously low. I was wrapping my hair up on top of my head, much like a bird’s nest, except a bird’s nest is probably cleaner. The germs inside this hair nest were also of a different breed. They had guns. Not small hand guns, more like weapons of mass destruction. It fucking sucked. I did finally manage to restore my health and then boom! Allergies. Now, the nest is back and it brought it’s best friend, Itchy Red Eye to live on my face.
Probably my biggest issue with this global warming business is that I didn’t get enough dark, gloomy winter days. I need those days because they are the perfect excuse to be in a dark, gloomy mood. A couple of months out of the year I like to be able to blame my bad mood on Seasonal Depression Disorder instead of my childhood/adulthood/life. I don’t think SDD is even real, I think it was made up by people like me. I still want a few good days where it’s dark at 5pm and it’s completely acceptable to not move off the couch after that time. I’m not ready to put on my “bright and sunny” personality. Also, I’m sweating.
If you didn’t know, global warming is bad and life is a mother fucker.