No, this is not a metaphor for the power of God being so strong that He must be a woman. I’m literally talking about the woman upstairs who lives in the apartment on top of mine. When I moved to this apartment, I wasn’t enthused about it being on the first floor. It was kind of deal breaker actually, but the landlord informed that upstairs was just a single retired woman who didn’t have visitors too often and kept mostly to herself. I took the bait and said, “ok.” What she neglected to tell me was that this “single retired woman” is actually a chronically exercising freak who would slowly ruin my life.
Every single day at 11:30am and again at 6:30pm, the woman upstairs exercises to what I have discovered is a work out video in front of her tv. Conveniently for me, the area in front of her tv is the only space in the apartment with squeaky floor boards. At first, I couldn’t really tell what was making all the noise. A friend of mine thought maybe she was having sex and it was the bed squeaking. Puke. I investigated the possibility, but realized that there was never any strange cars parked outside. I never heard her front door open or shut so she had to be up there alone. I could be wrong, but I don’t believe that the elderly masturbate that loudly and ferociously, so the squeaky bed was ruled out. After careful examination I came to the exercise conclusion. The more I heard the floor boards, the more it has come to drive me insane. On some days, in between work outs, I believe this woman runs laps around her couch. She works out more in one week than I do in one year and she is three times my age. A part of me says, good for her, while another part of me says, shut up!
My question is simply this: What the fuck are you getting in shape for? Are you doing a senior citizens Tough Mudder competition soon? Are you a navy seal? Do you have a gorgeous dress that you’re dying to fit into for your funeral (Pun intended, BOOM)? Do you have more than one heart?Are you seeing a therapist? Have you ever sat down for more than 3 minutes in your life?