On a drive home from the beach earlier today, my friend Nelly and I developed an idea for a new business. In today’s world where we have millions of online dating websites and match making companies, we need something to counter it. Enough is enough. We are going to be the first business to put an end to all that misery.
You know you have at least one friend, (probably more) that’s always complaining about their annoying other half. “He’s such a dick, I can’t stand it… …she says we don’t spend enough time together…he’ll only have sex with me during the commercials…blah blah blah.” As a friend it’s your job to be supportive and consoling, but when you just can’t take it anymore, you refer them to us and we break the news. “Listen, your relationship sucks and your friends are tired of hearing about it. Pack your bags. You’re breaking up!”
When business starts picking up we may even offer different packages so you can customize the style of break up you prefer.
The Terminator Package: We’re here to terminate your relationship. Hasta la vista, baby. You won’t be back. You’re breaking up!
The Forrest Gump Package (for more sensitive let downs): Mama always said life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gon’ get. This box is empty. You’re breaking up!
The Lethal Weapon Package (for serious relationship problems like stalkers etc.): This is a real badge, I’m a real cop, and this is a real fucking gun. You’re breaking up!!!
I can totally see this taking off so you should invest now. Someday, “you’re breaking up,” will be resting on the shelf of the One-liner Hall of Fame with the best of them.
The signal is weak. Are you going through a tunnel? You’re breaking up!
Exactly!
Wow, thanks for getting back to me.
Computer problems. I didn’t have internet access for two whole weeks! Imagine the horror!
OMG! Are you okay? Did you call the national guard for ice and blankets?
Ok, to be honest, I actually only lost internet access for one day, but I called 911 eleven times and I spent two weeks in jail for what they called, “harassment” and reporting a “non-emergency.”
Well, Tom and Katie splitting up is not a national emergency. You might not get any of this, because it’s an old reference and a numerological observation, but Tom Cruise has a sort of Logan’s Run age of 33 when it comes to marriage. All three of his wives divorced him when they turned 33.