Wait, it happened already?
Ok, I’m kidding, I don’t live under a rock so I am abreast (breast, giggle) of recent Olympic activity and America kicking ass. Though I must admit, that single statement encompasses all the knowledge I possess of the event. The truth is that the only thing about the Olympics that I’m interested in is where those male swimmers are tucking their penises. Special shout out to Ryan Lochte! I mean, come on, are these guys using tape? If so, what kind? You can hardly see them and it frustrates me.
Anyway, I started thinking about what kind of Olympic games I could better relate to. I believe I would be more interested if the games hit closer to home. I came up with this list of events that I personally would be eligible for competition at a national level.
•longest distance traveled with the gas light on
•quickest ways to make a stranger uncomfortable
•longest alcohol induced black out
•shortest toe nail cutting
•most endurance during a Kardashian’s marathon
•fastest vomit clean up (strictly my own)
•laughing the most at one’s own jokes
•maintaining a bank account of 35 cents
•most definitive “what the fuck?!” facial expression
These are the kind of games I wouldn’t be able to take my eye off of! I would proudly represent the U.S. of A in all categories and I’m sure I would be sharing the podium with Michael Phelps and that little gymnast girl in no time.